My therapist gave me a homework assignment to count the number of times I made a self-critical statement. The result of the homework? On average, I made at least 5-6 self-directed judgmental comments daily. I have received much feedback that I am too hard on myself throughout the years. I should be nicer to myself. I will admit that I struggle with perfectionism. Not only does this hurt my emotional and mental well-being, it can also be difficult for those around me to listen to. Lack of self-compassion has been linked to an increase in self-criticism, depression, anxiety, fear of failure, and perfectionism. Beating oneself up can also lead to a lack of energy and burnout. What do we gain from this self-judgment?
We’re human and we all make mistakes. I know from experience that it can be easy to beat up on ourselves and engage in negative self-talk, especially when we make a mistake or experience a setback. As a recovering perfectionist, I tend to think that beating myself up will motivate me to avoid making that particular mistake twice. This doesn’t work. Beating ourselves up will not lead to success. There would be no success without failure. Failure is how we learn and grow. Negative self-talk can lead to anxiety and fear of deciding and taking risks. It can get in the way of maintaining a high vibration and manifesting our desires.
But what if we changed the script? How different would our life experience be if we replaced self-criticism with self-kindness? Think about the way you’d treat a dear friend who’s going through a difficult time. What would you say to your friend? Would you be judgmental and harsh? Or would you be kind and supportive? We deserve the same kindness from ourselves that we would give to a friend. Self-compassion can provide us with space to learn the lesson from our mistakes.
Research shows that self-compassion increases the sense of satisfaction, improves emotional intelligence, and helps us to feel more connected to others. Self-talk has a major impact on how we feel. Self-compassion can help us to cultivate feelings of well-being, clarity, curiosity, wisdom, and happiness.
Self-compassion and self-kindness should be a form of self-care that you need to self-soothe. It can look different for each person or each situation. Ways of self-care could include words of affirmation, getting some rest, saying “no”, or nourishing your body. It should be based on your specific needs. Self-kindness can also be expressing gratitude. According to Dr. Catherine Franssen at Longwood University in Virginia, it can take about two minutes to retrain your brain from negative to positive self-talk. Like building a muscle, it will take time to become skilled at silencing that inner critic, but it will be worth it.
Let’s work on changing our inner dialogue together. Let’s focus on our strengths instead of our weaknesses. Let’s gain a sense of community in the fact that we all experience challenges in our lives. Challenges are part of life’s journey, and we are not alone. By being kind to ourselves, we allow space to show generosity, love, and compassion to ourselves and to others. This can improve our relationships and increase our self-esteem. I am proud to say that I am becoming more mindful of my inner dialogue. I have reduced the number of self-judgmental comments from 5-6 to 3-4 times a day. I know that with practice and commitment, this will be at zero.